This is mainly for those who have yet to come to terms with college life, with encountering a strange and unfamiliar toilet, and, most commonly, with taking a dump in a public bathroom.
For those who have mastered this subtle art, you’re set for life. You will never experience the sheer anxiety and fear that some people endure when faced with the alarmingly real and imminent possibility of pooping in a public place. Disney Land, the local pool, the third grade sleepover party of that kind of close friend from school who only invited you because you’re friends with her best friend, a fucking plane: we, nervous pooers, have all been there.
What’s worse is when there just isn’t enough time to get from class or lunch or the library back to the assuredly private, safe dorm room.
But there is a solution, and it’s pretty simple: get the fuck over it.
Pooping in public is awesome once you embrace it. Nothing beats the perverse satisfaction of pooping in a single stall bathroom, and then brazenly staring into the eyes of the poor soul who has to go in after you and literally breathe in your airborne shit particles.
That being said, there are several places on campus that are truly divine for taking an early morning, midday, post-class, or really any kind of poop.
Bobst LL1: The anonymity factor
It’s true that LL1 is a fetid combination of overly microwaved Chinese leftovers and a thousand clogged toilets, but consider why it is the pungent embodiment of death. A few ingenious scholars discovered that it is arguably the best place to poop. The sheer number of stalls lends a degree of anonymity to its users that is incomparable to any other NYU bathroom. Consider it as you make your way from Kimmel to 25 West 4th.
GCASL 4th floor: The emptiness factor
If, however, you find yourself in Kimmel and in a pinch, you can always visit the fourth floor of GCASL for a quiet, introspective poop. Generally any floor in GCASL is empty, but the fourth floor just seems to emanate a special kind of tranquility.
Starbucks on West 4th: The convenience factor
Admittedly this one is a little weird – especially since you have to grab that obnoxious key ring that announces to everyone that you’re going to the bathroom – but it has its perks. It is conveniently located, if you’re getting coffee you might as well poop there, and it is a single bathroom so it is a little more private compared to other locations.
Bobst 7th floor west wing: The quietness factor
Also a good place to find a desk and study, the 7th floor west wing of Bobst has a small bathroom hidden in the north corner. It’s incredibly convenient if you’re holed up and studying, hyped up on a thousand espresso shots, and ready to shit out your soul and maybe cry a little bit. The quietness of the 7th floor allows you to take a deep, meditative poop.
25 West 4th basement level: The cleanliness factor
If you have a class in this building, then you’ve probably seen the weird glass tile structure on the far side of the basement. I still haven’t figured out what that is, but to the left and right of it are some of NYU’s greatest accomplishments: clean bathrooms.
There you are, friends: the best places to poop around WaSquPa. I hope to see a lot more friendly faces in LL1 between 12:30pm and 3:30pm (my prime poop time).
Image: “bathroom” by Dean Hochman. CC BY 2.0 via Flickr