It’s the showdown between the two schools which breed arguably the worst people ever: CAS vs. Stern.
Disgusting amounts of coffee were consumed, protein shakes were shaken, and “I’m dead inside” rang across the court from dawn until dusk. The teams played with the renewed vigor of freshmen during welcome week, even though each one looked as though they had spent a fortnight roaming the dimly lit hallways of Bobst LL2.
The game was brutal. One Sternie slipped on a wad of hundred dollar bills that fell out of his pocket and cracked his skull open, effectively halting the game. Another player ripped out a backboard and ran straight through a brick wall after ingesting over five pounds of creatine. A third one forgot about his Econ homework due the next day (his teacher is super strict about that stuff) and slithered off the court. The rest of the team went pretty hard and put in a solid combination of creepily tall dudes and amateur Cross Fit bros.
On the CAS side, one player drank the entire team’s water supply after hitting the blunt too hard. Two of them wouldn’t look at or communicate with each other after getting too drunk the night before and hooking up (it’s okay though because they’re, like, really good friends and it didn’t mean that much). None of them cried, which was a fucking first. One of them actually hit a three pointer at one point, so I guess that’s cool.
This game was a shit show, excuse the language. But when it came down to it, the skill set on the Stern team is hard to compete with. Even though they ran the same play every time (point guard dribbles to half court, goes behind the back, CAS defender breaks their ankles trying to switch sides, quick pass to the wing and sink the jumper), the Stern kids actually wore jerseys and Jordan’s this time, which ultimately led them to victory, just as our polls predicted.
Final Score: Stern 89 | CAS 54
Congratulations, champs. I hope to get invited to the victory party that we all know Pike is going to throw for you. And if I don’t, no harm no foul. There is plenty more booze-filled and disgustingly delicious parties I can attend at NYU that won’t end with me waking up in a fratty apartment missing my panties (sorry, Dad). See you on the court next year!