Tips For Walking Past Planned Parenthood

Avoiding Charities and Non-Profits on Campus

WTF Is Going On? | Victor Anthony | April 12, 2016 SATIRE

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Photo Courtesy of Andy Cross

With the weather finally settling down to Spring, it’s that special time of year again. Soon non-profits, campaigns, and comedy clubs will send their unpaid interns and new volunteers out into the concrete jungle to collect the money your parents gave you. We’ve all been walking through Washington Square Park when a person holding a clipboard asks if we have time to stop and talk about their cause. They’ll ask you sweetly if you would take a second to help a sick child or if you have time to discuss women’s reproductive rights. The following tips should help you in successfully removing this common interaction from your daily life:

Put Headphones In

The simplest response is to place your headphones directly into your ear canal. Deep, so your ear drum cracks a bit. Besides, you’re already rocking the one bud in look. With nothing but that new indie-rock album from some band only you know blasting in your ear, the rest of the world ceases to be. This will ensure that you cannot hear those asking for your kind contribution, thus erasing the guilt you’d have to feel all day for conversing with them.

Cross The Street

This is on the harder side since you have to be clear about what you’re doing. You must initiate eye contact and await a friendly nod or wave from the fundraiser. At that exact moment, you need to turn a full 90 degrees and walk directly into the street; don’t be afraid of traffic, you have the right of way. Your commitment cannot waver; if a car is coming, let it hit you. This will ensure that the charity mugger who attempted to approach you will recognize your disinterest in a splendid manner.

Forget English and Babble Incoherently

This may seem condescending and prejudiced, but don’t worry. It is. Be sure to speak in a language you don’t know at all. If you use your native language, then you’re going directly against the move by speaking coherently. It doesn’t matter if the fundraiser speaks the language. What matters is that you clearly don’t and are actively making an effort to become unable to speak in the language which they began speaking to you in.

Pretend Life’s a Videogame

This is the funnest of your options. Look off into the vast rendering sky which holds Bobst in its pixelated distance. That’s your checkpoint. You’re pursuing a storyline which can only be resolved in a record amount of time by avoiding NPCs in this RPG you call Life. Now go forth and finish your quest.

Remember, They’re Not Humans

Quivering whelps in an oppressive system whom cannot hold the intelligence to perceive their own disdainful attempts at producing a positive societal inclination. That’s all those mere paupers are. You shouldn’t have to succumb to their incessant nagging for your support. To give them an audience would be equivalent to dispensing well-earned gold pieces into the rubbish mound. However, there is one more tip which could help you in these situations…

Don’t Be A Jerk

The fundraisers try their best to open a conversation with you on a subject they care about. They’re out there working, actually trying to create change for a cause they full-heartedly believe in. Then even after you reject them with aggression, they let it roll off their shoulders and continue seeking an avenue to receive the funds they need to reach their humanitarian goals. They may not deserve your money, but they’ve done nothing to earn your disrespect.


This article is meant to be satirical in nature