Postpone A Protest!

A Short Instructional Guide To Ruining Rallies

WTF Is Going On? | Victor Anthony | May 9, 2016

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Photo Courtesy of Victor Anthony

On Saturday May 7th, I had the utmost pleasure of walking by the Cannabis Parade in Union Square. With the contact high I incurred the moment I passed the statue of Ghandi, I watched a man give a speech on legalizing marijuana while reading from a notepad. It was at that point I decided to take in my surroundings a bit more analytically.

Through surveying of the arena, I recognized various instances which took away from the actual message the gathering was meant to get across. I believe these specific acts can be used to ruin any protest/rally/movement you’re particularly annoyed with that day. Here are my findings:

Misused Religion

Let’s get the obvious one out of the way. There were about six people with “Sinner” signs spouting their hate-speeches around the Parade. If you show up to a protest and bring people down by telling them God hates them, you’re doing your duty. Without you at that exact moment, how would all of these people who don’t agree with you have known they were going to Hell? Letting them know is sure to bring some much needed quiet to your neighborhood.

Selling Knock-Off Items

If you can’t find it in your iron-pleated heart to ruin a rally, then perhaps you could at least benefit from it. There were plenty of “Legalize It!” tie-dye shirts being sold towards the backend of the park between $10-$15. I even found stunning pieces of literature which informed its readers of Canadian pot laws at a low price of $5 for maybe ten pages. The concept of profiting from a cause isn’t new, but it’s definitely a sure-fire way to get a quick buck out of those impressionable characters participating in the gathering.

Usurp The Rally

Maybe you have a better cause on your mind and feel that it deserves attention from those participating in the non-sensical protest around you. As I noticed Saturday, foreskin removal is a highly debated topic which about three people that day cared about. Those courageous men used their microphones to take the attention from legalization and bring it to their gnawing genital garnering. Perhaps you’d be able to place your cause in the limelight instead!

Forget What You’re Saying

A truly devoted party-pooper takes down the system from the inside. I watched for a solid five minutes as a speaker flipped through his notes as if he had a grocery list to go over with the crowd. There was minor discontent which led to boredom and consequently, a dispersion of protesters. You too can break up a rally by being a main factor in its creation. Look deep into yourself and find the best version of you which can be utilized.

Now bury it.


This article is meant to be satirical in nature