The Ballers of NYU: Tisch Students

Who's Gonna Be the Next James Franco?

Brain Like NYU | Daphne Schermer | May 10, 2016 SATIRE

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You can spot a Tisch kid a block away in the lower Manhattan neighborhood of Greenwich village, which surrounds NYU’s “campus”, home to one of the country’s top film schools.

This previously mentioned individual will be slowly taking drags of a cigarette leaning against the Tisch building on Broadway, watching their hazy puffs float into the fresh Manhattan air, while imagining their smoky swirls are actually in the shape of an Oscar.

Common phrases to catch Tischies in the act include: “I’m $280,000 in debt and getting a BFA”

“F**k Tarantino”, “I’m not just an actor. I’m an artist”, “I just don’t know if I feel emotionally available or in the moment right now”, “Sorry, I’m on set all weekend”, “If only my childhood had been tortured, the inspiration…” and “you’re attractive but not Meisner Studio beautiful”.

Clothing items that signal you’re in the vicinity of a Tisch student are: black fabric, Doc Martens, flannel, turtlenecks on balmy days, the accessory of expensive looking film equipment, anything hand-sewn by progressive Millennials in Brooklyn, without the use of GMOs of course.

This category has a lot of cross-over with CAS and Gallatin students who are going for the jaded, artistic look of suburban transplants to the city.

These Tisch students walk around with a smug look of “I may forget how to math, but my school’s ranking gives NYU the nerve to charge you $70,000 a year for you to find yourself”.

The straight male in Tisch is a special breed, he absolutely slays on the daily.

All it takes is for him to smile at that new Cinema Studies student across the lecture hall, and he’s in. He does this with every other girl in his studio and all the other girls next semester.
This perfect understanding of the theory of Supply & Demand, along with his fuck boy attitude, are one of the only characteristics he has in common with his Stern counterparts.

Every full moon, you may catch a glimpse of a Sternie, in a freshly-cut suit, passing a Tischie, in a freshly, DIY-ripped pair of jeans.

Eye-contact is never made. In that rare moment, mumblings about the Goldman-Sachs recruitment process mingle with thoughts on how best to emulate Scorcese’s camera angles.

To all the Tisch students out there, in case you are wondering what us non-Tischies think of you: we just hope to someday see one of your films make it big, so we can pretend we were friends back in college.

*This piece is meant to be satirical in nature